I've always been drawn to the beach. It is where I go when I need to slow down, calm down or simply to gather my thoughts. But at no time is the beach more beautiful than immediately after a newly fallen snow, with a calm and tranquility like nowhere else.
Why I don't believe in New Year's Resolutions (and you shouldn't either)
I love the idea of resolutions. I love the idea of setting goals and wanting to better and improve oneself. But resolutions don't really work. According to several articles I've read, including one in Forbes, and in the report by IdeaWorks Studios, the success rate of these resolutions varies between 8% - 17%. So why do we make them? Because we all love the idea of a fresh start and fulfilling those dreams and desires that have been left on the wayside.
I believe that most resolutions are unachievable because they are too open ended and unstructured. Most people write some things down on a list, either on paper on in their head.
The lists may look like this:
1. Lose 10 (15, 20) pounds
2. Read more
3. Exercise more
4. Cook more
5. Spend less at Starbucks
But that short list is too open-ended. Instead, set goals that are easier to achieve: Even better, create a journal so that you can be held accountable for your actions.
We all seem to be great list makers... Hell, I have even been known to create lists for my lists! I find nothing so rewarding as crossing things off mine. So whether in a journal or even a weekly calendar write down your goals to keep track of your achievements. By breaking everything down into smaller, baby steps, these resolutions become smaller and more achievable goals. Or maybe break down resolutions month by month. So your resolutions may look something like this:
January
1. Work out X amount a week (mark down which days and what you'll be doing)
2. Start South Beach Diet (Or Atkins, Paleo, Weight Watchers) - Keep track of progress weekly
3. Read 1 book this month (Sue Monk Kidd - The Invention of Wings)
4. Send out X proposals/resumes by_______. (Write down your professional goals)
5. No more procrastinating! (See above)
6. Take 2 road trips this month and use your camera instead of the iPhone
7. Clean out closets and donate unwanted items to Goodwill
8. Clean out children's closets and donate unwanted items
9. Finish/review 2 unfinished projects
10. Do one good deed/Pay it forward.
Do the same for all 12 months. By creating very specific tasks, the mini goals will be easier to focus on, more manageable and easier to achieve... These short lists can be written on a weekly, daily or monthly calendar and therefore become visible daily. This will also help you to reach your goals. Each month you can revisit and create new goals and adjust accordingly. Another idea is to create a vision board or book instead of writing things down to offer you creative inspiration.
But maybe, instead of the typical lose weight, get healthy, get organized, exercise, learn something new, fall in love type of resolutions we vow to do something else:
Personal Goals for 2016
1. Be more self accepting. Is 10 pounds really worth stressing over? You're gorgeous as you are!
2. Pay compliments to others frequently
3. Be Gracious (Don't take your anger/frustrations out on the children, or your co-workers.)
4. Focus on the positive - the glass is indeed half full!
5. Be grateful (Don't worry about what you don't have, be grateful for what you do have!)
6. Become a mentor
7. Be selfless
8. Put your best foot/face forward
9. Don't listen to the naysayers
10. Smile often. Smiles are infectious!
We are not perfect. I certainly am not and for the past few years I've been on a journey to self improvement. Like many it's two steps forward and one step backward. When I was 44 I vowed that I would be my all time healthiest at 50. I have a year and a half to realize that goal. While it's a big one, I think I can do it. I work out regularly, 3-5 times a week, time permitting, and have been for the past 5 years. Somehow, 10 pounds have managed to sneak on over those years as well. My doctors "blame" middle age but I refuse to use that as an excuse. And while, I think I look perfectly fine with these 10 pounds, I'm really not comfortable in them.
So, personally, one goal this year is to maintain my fitness routine and to lose the damned 10 pounds. It's only 10 and I do think it's completely doable.
Add yoga to my repertoire. I tried it for the first time late this past fall and I fell in love. I love how I felt - strength and calm and flexibility. Yoga will complement my health regime and it will also help me to keep the inner peace. I'm always battling with myself in regards to my life's decisions, success and the children as well as the daily stresses and financial struggles. I will work hard at trying to achieve inner peace.
Be more present for my children. I'm here with them but we're all so busy, head in laptops and phones and other devices. We need to reconnect and go on more outings together on a regular basis and when home we need to bring out the board games. My oldest will be in college in a year and a half. We are running out of time.
Be less critical of myself. It holds me back. It always has.
Be more self accepting. I am a good and kind person. I'm giving and selfless. I need to focus more on those traits than those I see as faults.
Get better at self promotion. I need to learn how to brag a little - if only to grow my career.
Accept compliments. See above. Same as self promotion. I'm not good with compliments. But thank you, really.
Take Chances. I'm terrible with this. Many are.
Step out of the comfort zone. It's something I force myself to do regularly. I need to keep working on this and it will never come naturally for me. Good things never came to those sitting on couches, eating out of the Haagen Dazs container while watching Scandal!
Self acceptance. I am who I am. I really like who I am don't want to change that.
Stop comparing myself to others. I think we all do this to a certain extent.
Personally, the greatest and most difficult task at hand. Learn to not push others away. This may be my greatest weakness and my greatest challenge yet. I have a very small circle of friends whom I truly trust. I am sure that this is all a result of my divorce. Like many who've travelled down the long, windy and obstacle-filled path of divorce, I lost a lot of friends and learned that many I had trusted had betrayed me. Also as a result of my divorce I tend to distance myself from those I date if I feel things are getting too serious. I tend to pull away or push away. I've pushed too many good people away over the past few years. Some I have regretted. If it's not right, that's one thing... I won't ever settle or stay in a relationship out of comfort and convenience, but if there's potential I need to do my best not to push away something potentially good because it scares me
And yes, I still do want to read (books) more, use my camera more and my phone's camera less, write more for me, and become better at promoting myself and my work!
There's a lot more I need to do and work on, but let's take it one baby step at a time!
Happy New Year!
What are some of your goals, dreams and aspirations?
Monday Motivation
It's hard to blossom, sometimes, on Mondays. But think about that flower and how much she'd love the bee to come. Even the flower knows that bee won't come and feast on her sweet pollen into honey unless she offers up her petals. Just like the flower our dreams won't come true if we don't act on them. So instead of trudging through the day, let's get a move on, - after all, the honeybees are waiting!
Keep the memory of summer alive on your dining room table
I'm slightly obsessed with summer, with collecting shells and with spray paint. One winter day a couple of years ago, it may have been snowing out - I cannot remember, I was bored. I started looking around for some small DIY projects. With jars of shells that had been washed (and rewashed) and bleached and cans of spray paint in an assortment of metallic colors, I started to paint. I buried my dining room table under inches and inches of newspaper, cracked open the doors to the porch and started to spray. A little bit of gold and silver and the simple shells took on a glorious new look. There were whelk, oyster, and clam shells - all of which became even more splendid that before. A small hole drilled at the base makes for a fabulous holiday ornament to adorn a tree or a special gift. Two oyster shells became the perfect salt and pepper dishes for the holiday table.
With a little paint and a few shells you can preserve your summer memories and create some holiday magic... though it's much too early to be thinking of the holidays!
Taking stock :: the last days of summer
I'm not ready for summer to be over. I'm not ready to send the children back off to school. I'm not ready for the chaos and madness that ensues. My oldest is entering her Junior year in high school. She's off to college in a couple of years and soon she'll be making her own way in this great big world. Our days of summer carefree fun are nearly fleeting. They all said it would happen so fast. I smiled politely. Those were the days of sleepless nights and core-deep exhaustion. I didn't believe them. The days of temper tantrums and toddler challenges. There was just one child back then, then there were two and then there were three - all in 6 years. They'll be grown before you know it, they said. I smiled politely. I didn't believe them. And then with the blink of an eye it happened. It really did happen. And they're on their way to being grown and becoming more and more independent every day. And now, knowing that my days with them are indeed fleeting, I want to stop time. At the very least I want to slow it down. But I know this is not yet possible. A new school year looms dangerously close. I'm not ready to send them off. In fact, I've yet to do any back to school shopping. We are still very much in summer mode here. We have more to cross off and I am determined to do so! Did you create a summer bucket list? Did you manage to accomplish everything you set out to?
How often do you stop to smell the roses?
I'm quite good about taking time to slow down. I do believe it's in my nature. I'm very much an observer - of my environment, of things, of people and certainly of the beauty all around me. This is most likely because I'm a very visual person - my work evolves around the things that I see and take notice of. Like everyone, I'm often rushing around - getting kids to school (or wherever it is they need to be), getting to appointments and meetings, rushing to deadlines and just trying to accomplish everything within the timeframe of a day that seems much too short.
I've taken to exercising outdoors again. I've gotten out of the gym and started hitting the pavement - or the sand. It's such a better place to be. There's so much more to be seen and appreciated. Our scenery, though much like the trees and the houses and the water is constant, but even still they're all constantly changing. The sun's position, the clouds and the time of day all affect the landscape around us. The ocean may look angry and grey one day and blue and tranquil the next and sometimes, depending on the sun, it may seem as though it's covered by millions of little diamonds... the colors on the horizon are ever changing, as are the colors on the trees and the flowers that dot my paths. Each day I notice something new - a seagull gracefully diving into the ocean in search for its dinner... a child learning to ride a bicycle... a couple of paddle boarders off in the distance... Happy runners, cyclists and walkers who always nod and say hello as they pass you by... Dogs who wag their tails eagerly pulling their owners along... I notice all this beauty. I make a point of doing so. It shapes my day. I live in an area that is so spectacularly beautiful and it's so easy to not pay attention and not to take notice any of it all and instead to get lost in the rhythm and momentum of daily life. It's so easy to focus on the issues at hand and problems that still need to be solved. With just a small bit of effort it's just as easy to take note of all the wonder that surrounds us, to count our blessings instead of worries.
As the stresses of life bear down on us so heavily it's important to be able to escape, even for a brief period. To get away one can regroup, refocus and readjust. My thoughts become clear. I find answers to solutions. And sometimes I just lose myself in reverie. No matter how hard or long the course I create, I end up relaxed, rejuvenated, invigorated and satisfied. And sometimes it is hard to drag oneself out - but I've never regretted a good workout and I always regret when I don't. As I set my goals - time and distance - I work with determination to get to where I'm headed and then, once I reach my halfway point I pause for a moment and refocus so that on the way back, it's not about a personal goal, but about beauty - about taking the time to stop and smell the roses.
Notes to our teenage daughters :: Let me tell you about Kintsukuroi & fractured beauty
The Japanese art of Kintsukuroi repairs broken pottery with seams of gold. it is in these repairs that the brokenness makes the object even more beautiful than it was before. The art of Kintsukuroi is a long and difficult process, but the results are treasured by those around it. Uplifting and hopeful, this artform is an inspiring metaphor for dealing with the times we feel broken in life. It is a reminder that we become more beautiful from having been broken.
As mothers we want nothing more than to give our children the best in life - I do not mean this from a financial standpoint, but from one that is nurturing, protective and educational. We want to protect our children from harm and we want to guide them so that they can make the best decisions possible and be good and kind, compassionate and caring citizens. We want them to do well in this world and soar.
A few years ago my daughter was the subject of some pretty intense bullying. Our family was also going through a divorce. She was also entering teen-hood which is turbulent enough on the calmest of days. Her tranquil world was starting to unravel and for the first time in my parenting career, kisses weren't enough to make the bad go away and make everything better.
As our family was breaking apart my daughter was too and as hard as I tried, it seemed at the time, there was nothing I could do to help, to comfort, to nurture.
I believe that every failure, disappointment and heartbreak has a purpose. First we acknowledge and respect the pain, then we use these as lessons to learn and grow from. I want my daughter to know that every disappointment that comes our way is actually a good thing. I am trying to teach her how to turn the negatives into positives. After the rain falls, the sun will indeed shine.
As a mother to two sons and a daughter who are all incredibly different I have to say that I think boys are easier than girls. They're higher energy but they're straightforward. We are tougher and more complicated - We are strong and soft and and sensitive and those traits often collide. At a time when their self images are at their lowest it is up to us, as mothers, to ensure that our girls know how to handle disappointment with strength, courage and aplomb. It is up to us, as mothers, to gently guide our daughters, to send them off into the world with unyielding confidence and self assurance. In so doing we need to show them that no one is perfect. We also need to show them that there is perfection in imperfection.
This is why I love Kintsukuroi, and the philosophy behind it. It's a perfect message for our daughters - for all of our children.
Look at the image below. Though broken, the gold that was used to repair it makes the piece truly spectacular. Without the gold the bowl would simply be average. If you have daughters that are struggling, at home, at school, with friends, with self image... with anything at all - share this message with them. xo
48 Things I've learned in 48 years
Today is my Birthday. I was born on June 1st, many many many years ago. As I rapidly approach the Big Five Oh, I like to celebrate and I like to take some time to be reflective of all the good things that have come my way, all the experiences I've had, as well as all that I've learned. Truth be told, I think the greatest lessons learned have happened within the past 10 years, most of which took place within the past 5 years - some even more recently. Even though I haven't technically been around for 48 years yet, here are 48 little life lessons, some light-hearted, some a little less so.
- Eat chocolate. Dark chocolate is good for you and life is too short not to enjoy all the pleasures it has to offer.
- Drink wine. See above.
- And Champagne.
- (Clothing) Size does not matter. Buy what you like, what looks good on you and, what feels comfortable. The latter - within reason!
- Save the yoga pants for the gym - or the running trail. You'll remember this when your jeans are no longer easy to button!
- Make time for yourself. A little bit. Every day.
- Don't take yourself too seriously.
- Don't take life too seriously.
- Work hard. You can't wish a dream - You have to make it happen.
- Make mistakes. They're life's way of teaching us a lesson
- Don't repeat those mistakes.
- Always say you're sorry when you're wrong.
- Be punctual.
- Always let others know you appreciate them.
- Pay it forward.
- Be kind no matter the situation. It's easy to be kind when you're having a good day, but much harder to be kind when things aren't going your way.
- Pay compliments. Often.
- Don't give up. Ever.
- If something isn't working out try a different approach.
- Don't let your fears hold you back.
- Step out of your comfort zone. You'll be glad you did.
- Be generous. If not with money then with your time or your words.
- Learn a new skill and perfect it.
- Pick up a hobby.
- Excercise. Often.
- Be kind.
- Be courteous.
- Respect your elders.
- Be someone's role model or mentor.
- Be open minded. Simple minds will never move on.
- Listen to both sides of the story.
- Don't be afraid to ask for help.
- Be grateful.
- Be gracious.
- Don't compromise your beliefs.
- Do compromise in the home.
- Always give your best.
- Always wear a smile.
- Learn how and when to walk away. And do so gracefully.
- Family comes first. No matter what.
- Invest in a few pieces of well made, timeless clothing.
- If it fits and looks good buy it. Don't wait for the sale - it might be gone!
- Speak up - you have a beautiful voice. You deserve to be heard.
- If you have a dream chase it. No matter what anyone says, it is never a waste of time.
- Take chances. Takes risks.
- Take naps.
- Learn all the rules. Play by the rules, then learn when to break them.
- It always works out in the end. If it's not working out, it's not the end!