turning a loss into a gift...

Property of Jessica Gordon Ryan and The Entertaining House Originally published in Maison et Jardin, 1962

Many of you know of the special bond I have with my grandmother, La Jolie Grandmere. While she passed away nearly 10 years ago at the tender age of 82 to a form of Leukemia, I still think of her often, almost daily. As a very young child she would start to mold and shape my life unbeknownst to me. She was grace and dignity and strength. She was classic beauty, a socialite, incredibly smart, well traveled and well read. She had a presence and people were drawn to her. As I grew into my teens, then 20s and 30s she became my role model. It was not until after her death that she would have the greatest impact on my life.

My grandmother, whom I and everyone else called Bettina, was a bon vivant. She lived life and she lived it to the fullest. She was not one to ever feel sorry for herself or ever make excuses. She was a go-getter and a doer. Nothing was impossible. She was never a quitter. In most circumstances this is extraordinary as it is, but in hers it's even more so.

At 40 (or in her early 40s) she lost her husband to cancer. Not a dozen years earlier she became wheelchair bound and paralyzed after falling gravely ill - nearly escaping death - with Polio. Her children were grown and in college and she was determined to start a new life for herself. She would buy a ticket to Paris and renovate a historic brownstone on Ile de la Cite which would in turn be photographed numerous times by the celebrated Maison et Jardin. She had talent and style and determination and strength. She created an elegant pied-a-terre apartment on a tight budget in an era when this was not fashionable. She was a trend-setter.

She would eventually, over the course of her lifetime build and renovate homes in Cannes, Oxfordshire and Umbria (all would be showcased in various magazines including Country Life, ElleDecor and Interiors.) She would fall in love and marry a strapping, dashing Hollywood producer. She would meet Thornton Wilder one afternoon while sitting at a cafe and they would remain friends for life. She would party with Estee Lauder at her home overlooking the Cote D'Azur. In my eyes, as a child, she was my grandmother and this was all very normal. As I grew I soon learned that there was nothing ordinary about her. It wasn't until I got very much older, very much older, that I would learn just how talented and strong she really was. She could have given up. Most of us would have...

My grandmother and I designed my wedding dress together. She worked closely with my mother and myself to help plan the grand event. We spent part of our honeymoon with her and my grandfather, as their guests in the Members Enclosure tent at Wimbledon Tennis Championships... in the rain with plenty of Pimms to keep us entertained... She was an enormous part of my life. Her loss was and still is devastating to me.

And this loss is a gift. She is my inspiration. If she could accomplish all that she had done in her life then certainly I could take a small step towards happiness. I was terribly unhappy and I knew why I was but I was terribly afraid to do something about it. And I did. 

I stood up for myself and the journey was often long and difficult. But she was there with me every step of the way. And so it is because of her that I had the strength to file for divorce. And it is because of her I have found my rainbow and my pot of gold. I've found happiness and peace. I cannot wait to see where I will go. She will be with me every step of the way.

I am writing this because while I was on my journey toward divorce I kept a journal. It needs editing but I was surprised to see how well written it was. I hope to publish it soon. I hope to share my story and I hope to be able to be an inspiration to someone as my grandmother was to me. I was not alone in this journey and I want others to know they are not either. It is not a tale of anger and hate, but a story of growth... with lessons learned along the way.

I am coming clean because I hope you will check up on me from time to time to make sure I can keep focused and stay on course.

Have a Wonderful Wednesday!

XOXO

Jessica