It's my Birthday... I'll cry if I want to...

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Classic pink birthday cake.
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Mermaid party!
image via The High Heeled Hostess


#Parties #birthday #champagne
La Jolie Maisonette


There'll be no pomp or circumstance this year... no presents ... no cake ... It's kind of strange to tell you the truth... I'm a Birthday girl and even though I'm all grown up I still like to celebrate and I see nothing wrong with that! But it'll be a quiet Birthday this year. And today, like every other day, will come and go. And tomorrow will be a new day... And truthfully, I'll be glad when this is over.

I haven't wanted to celebrate. I've had a couple of hard weeks. I've been quiet lately, haven't you noticed?  It's a fairly big Birthday for me, and although you'll be totally shocked because I don't look a day over 25, I'm turning 45... That's officially middle age, isn't it? But today will be just like any other day. And truthfully that makes me a little bit sad. I'd have loved to have gone on a small shopping spree for myself... I'd have stopped off at JCrew, JmcLaughlin, and L'Occitaine among a few, but that may have to wait until next year too... My daughter needs bathing suits and shorts for camp... My septic tank needs pumping... My lawn needs mowing... (I'm renting a property with nearly an acre of land all on a slope and too hard to mow myself!) I was hoping to get myself a grill, some outdoor furniture... Maybe I can swing a hammock and some things for the kids to play with. This is life and this is my reality... and I'm realistic... and I'm fine with it. It's really not the things that I want. It's not the things at all.

I don't want pity... I don't want anyone to feel sorry for me. This is all part of my new life - my new normal. Yes, I will admit it feels incredibly lonely... My kids came back to me last night and I have them today but no one had them make me anything... a small home made gift, a small card, maybe even some flowers picked from the yard... it would have been nice...

I'll go buy myself some flowers. Flowers make me happy. I can swing those!

XOXO

Jessica

Amid life....




I have decided to start a new blog (as though I really have the time to do so!) where I can chronicle my life, freely and as I wish. I am completely blown away by your words, love and support. And while I have not been able to thank you all, I want you all to know just how much you and your support and love has meant to me. I will be removing all my pieces about divorce from The Entertaining House. I want this to be a happy, fun, inspiring place. I need to keep the two blogs separate. For those of you who wish to follow my personal journey, please feel free to visit me over at Amid Life, for the rest of you, I hope you continue to come to be entertained here at The Entertaining House!

Celebrate... for no reason at all!

We have our good days and bad. I believe that it takes a bad day to truly appreciate a good one. Like we need the rain to appreciate the sun. And the sun to appreciate the rain. Without disappointment and failure we cannot experience joy and success. I know this. I absolutely know this. I'm having a bad day. Seeing as it's still morning, I'm hoping that this is simply a bad moment! But I am frustrated. I am frustrated at the seeming lack of control I have over my own life even though I have been working so hard to take charge, to be a top player and not a spectator. Yet, I find myself sidelined once again. It's hard to watch your life pass you by... to take a route you would not have chosen for yourself. I often feel as though I am in the driver's seat, and yet the car is driving itself. I hate feeling as though I cannot control my life. (Must be why I hate to fly!) Sometimes I feel as though I should sit back and let things happen - let them just fall into place and then the puzzle that is my life will all come together.

I've been living with pain and injury for well over a year now. In addition to the complicated mess my life seems to be at the moment, I have been living in pain. There are days I feel almost 100% and there are days where I know I just have to slow down. Then, there are those days when I want nothing more than to charge full steam ahead, and yet life forces me down, against my will. Now I have disc issues to contend with. Out of nowhere, it seems, I hurt my back. I woke one morning to sheer agony. I called my orthopedic surgeon who immediately, based on my symptoms, ordered me MRI and sent me to the chiropractor. With the help of the chiropractor, physical therapy and whatever else it takes, I am determined to get back on my feet again. I am determined. And when this happens I will run full steam ahead. (With doctor's permission, of course!)

Meantime I am sidelined. And admittedly today I am feeling a bit sorry for myself. I am having one of those moments when life seems too large... when the weight of the world is simply too much for my small shoulders.

Life is too short to sit back and feel sorry for myself. (Ok, I spent a better part of the morning doing that... now it's time to move on.) Now's time to but my best face forward (coral lipstick)... Now's the time for me to put on my big girl panties (black, lace perhaps?)... Now's the time to step out (very carefully) out of bed and put my best foot forward (Essie 'too too hot' a rich red coral)... Now's the time to celebrate life and the GOOD that it all has to offer.



I don't need an excuse and neither do you... go ahead and pamper yourself... go ahead and celebrate... celebrate life... your life as it is now or your life as it will be in the future.



You never need permission to
Indulge in a bottle of champagne... or Prosecco or Cava
Treat yourself to a decadent lunch, dinner, patisserie treat
Paint your toes a fabulous happy color
Paint your fingers a fabulous happy color
Buy yourself a pretty dress
Buy yourself some pretty underwear
Buy yourself a piece of jewelry
Go away someplace on impulse... even if just for one night
Take yourself on an adventure
Get a scoop of ice cream. No make that three scoops!
Pick out the biggest, sugariest, pinkest cupcake and eat it on the spot!
Get a haircut
Change your hair color
Toss on a pair of sexy heels... even with your shorts on
Download some happy songs on iTunes and dance like a preteen in your underwear
Take a long soothing, luxurious soak with a glass of bubbly
Order takeout and watch a movie
Bake some chocolate chip cookies and enjoy the batter out of the bowl as you go along
Throw a party for no reason
Call your old best college friend for a pick me up
Do whatever it takes to put that spring back into your step!




Happy Weekend Everyone...
It's never too late to celebrate!

xoxo

tiny bubbles...

I love Champagne. I love Prosecco... I love all things bubbly! Since I can't very well drink a bottle of Veuve in one sitting (well, I could but really shouldn't publicize such) I was thrilled to be introduced to Sofia Copolla's Blanc de Blancs a couple of years ago. This wonderfully fruity bubbly comes in miniature single-serve pink cans complete with individual straws! This precious four-pack makes a delightful gift and is perfect for a picnic in the park or a night at the beach with friends. It's also perfect for someone like me who wants to celebrate life every once in a while!


In my year of firsts and in my quest to try and do things I have never done before this precious pink can will come in handy! You see I have never before been to the movies alone. I am taking myself to see Midnight  in Paris one day this week. (Has to be in the daytime as my evenings are already filled!)

Last year a couple of friends and I went to see Sex in the City when it was playing on the big screen. We went armed with fancy sandwiches and cosmos. Yes we did! My friend Susan packed a bag of ice, mixings for our Cosmos and a shaker. As the previews rolled the sound of the ice against the metal shaker was instantly recognizable! The patrons were so envious.

So to celebrate more of my year of firsts I am bringing Champagne to the movies! I am bringing Champagne to my most favorite place on earth...  I am bringing Champagne to Paris! And I think I'll stop off and pick up a baguette to nibble on as well...

Oh I can hardly wait! Oh what fun these firsts are!

XOXO

Solitude

I have so much to catch up on! I have the Angela Moore fashion show to tell you about as well as all the wonderful, fabulous new finds to share with you... I recently drove to southern New Jersey. All by myself. I have never done a road trip all by myself through un-chartered territory. I have never driven long distance to attend a party where I knew just two people. This is all in my year of firsts. I am learning to step outside my comfort zone. I am not about to let my life pass me by. Life is a highway and I want to ride it... all night long!

I miss my children terribly. I am saddened and disappointed by the fact that it is now 8:30 and they have yet to reach out to me. I don't care how busy their day there is time for a phone call. There is always time for a phone call.

I have decided to turn loneliness into solitude. Solitude is a lovely thing.

I am home and now comfortable with the fact that the house will be mine alone all week. I can come and go and do as I please. I will allow myself to take advantage of this. I have done a pretty good job of this so far.

Today I have:
* Cleaned the kitchen and not had to yell at anyone to stay off the wet floors
* Turned on the television. And watched what I wanted to! I needed to relax after a long drive to and from New Jersey and very little sleep.
* I then made lunch. I made something for myself (Italian tuna on a ciabatta roll) and there were no little ones around to have to share with!
* I took a two hour nap. In my bed. And there were no little children coming in to ask me if they could have this, that or the other. No little children telling me that it was time to wake up. No little children coming in to tell me that their brother (sister) is the biggest brat in the world.
* I had a few Hershey's Kisses and didn't have to share one!
* I walked around wearing nothing but T shirt and my underwear. So liberating.
* I made salad for dinner. My way. With the things I like...
* I brought my salad up to my bedroom... ate it on my bed... in front of TV! (While watching The Food Network)
* I am going to take a bath and turn on the jets. There are no children around to ask "Momma, are you done yet?"
* I'll go to bed early and maybe take an Ambien. Perhaps since no one is around I might actually sleep through the night. (I have not slept through the night in well over a year.)
* I have made plans for every day this week. I have made plans for almost every evening this week.
* I am well rested now and relaxed.
* I still miss my children. I hope they call.

I do wish I could kiss them and tuck them into bed, however.

I saw this quote on Twitter earlier. I need to remind myself of this sometimes. I believe we all do.

God has a reason for allowing things to happen
We may never understand his wisdom, 
but we simply have to trust His will.

XOXO 

Good friends...



You all have been amazing. Tremendously amazing. Thank you. I thank you all, each and every one of you from the bottom of my heart which (like The Grinch's) has grown three sizes (since) that day.

These past few months have been such a struggle... the end does not appear to be anywhere in sight. I am losing steam and yet I know I cannot turn around or slow down. I must persevere. For myself and my children. But there are days, truth be told, when the act of getting out of bed is the most daunting act of all. It's hard to be the Ambassador of Smiles and Happiness all the time... especially when you can no longer stop the tears.

The above quote is meaningful and true. If I could measure wealth in friendships I would be one of the richest people in the world right now.  I won't ever underestimate the power of friendship. I won't ever take it for granted. It is truly the greatest gift of all. Thank you all. A million times over! XOXO

via Rue Magazine

the greatest gift

We do not believe in ourselves until someone reveals that deep inside us something is valuable, worth listening to, worthy of our trust, sacred to our touch. Once we believe in ourselves we can risk curiosity, wonder, spontaneous delight or any experience that reveals the human spirit.
E. E. Cummings


image via Piccsy


How does one follow up with a post such as my last? My soul-bearing, self-exposing, personal post that leaves me feeling vulnerable and naked... Post three children naked, not young-sprite-taut twenty-something naked... Do I jump right back into a post about fashion? Perhaps a lovely piece on interior decor? I could showcase my favorite summer finds... I could... but it just doesn't seem right. I need to follow up with something more organic... something that would flow naturally... something equally personal... something uplifting. I thought I might want to follow up with the power of friendship.

When you start to tell your friends that your life is not all as it seems, that you are unhappy, that the image of the wholesome and happy family is just that, an image, you know that some will support you and some will not. It is to be expected. I expected this. What I did not expect was the overwhelming support and empathy. I never expected to feel the love and admiration of those near and dear to me. I never expected it to be so powerful. I had just one friend ask me "Are you sure, Jess?" And when I replied, "Absolutely, Positively." She told me that she would be there for me. When I delivered the news most replied with "I'm so very sorry." I told them "Don't be." It's all for the best, I explained. And while still in the throws of this complicated and complex journey, I know that in the end it will all be for the best. And this is what I am told from those who survive this. One woman, who is becoming a dear friend, congratulated me upon hearing the news. She was my only congratulations. She had been where I am. She was where I am a long time ago. She has since found her rainbow and her pot of gold, her husband and three children.

I have had wonderful advice and support and words of encouragement.  I am amazed that I have heard nothing negative. Amazed. I am a strong woman, people tell me. I am starting to believe this. I am starting to see strength and courage I never knew I had. This will make me a stronger person, a better person, people tell me. I am starting to see this too.

My friends have been there with me through thick and thin. Never have they backed away, shied away. In fact, when I need them the most they seem to all be there. All of them. Every single one of them. And honestly this both surprises and amazes me. I am grateful. Eternally grateful.

I came across a quote from a friend's Facebook page the other day. It was so good I had to use it as my own. It is perfect. "A journey is best measured in friends rather than miles." And if this is indeed true, then I have already traveled far. I also feel that I must have done something right, because, after all, had I not been a good person and loyal friend myself, my friends would not be half as supportive as they are.

I am a quiet and yet outgoing person. I need my quiet times to reflect and think and soak everything in. But my louder, sillier side needs to entertain and be entertained. To love and feel loved. To laugh and make others laugh... I need my quiet time to think about my life and contemplate... to ponder and plan. I need my social life to bring those plans to fruition.

If not for my friends I sometimes wonder whether I would really have the strength to go through this bumpy journey. I have no desire to turn back, but admittedly, sometimes I just want to stop dead in my tracks. But I don't.  I know I can't but I know also, that my friends won't let me. I've come this far. I've come so far...

My friends tell me and remind me of things that I do not hear at home. They tell me that I am funny and witty and smart. They tell me that I am determined and strong. They tell me that I am talented. They tell me that I am beautiful. They tell me that I am a good person. They tell me that I am a good friend. They tell me that they admire my positive attitude and my sunny smile. There is nothing more powerful, more empowering than to hear someone call you smart, funny, beautiful, talented, caring, special, strong... These small words carry with them such impact. These small words mean the world to me and never go unappreciated. How I treasure these small words. There is truly nothing as wonderful as the gift of friendship.

xoxo

a note of a most personal nature...

I used to be impulsive.
I used to be the kind of girl who never walked but who ran full steam ahead.
Patience was not my virtue.
I used to be a free spirit.
Yet I sweated the small stuff every day.
I knew what I wanted but was too fearful or too intimidated to go after it.
Or perhaps was too afraid to fail.

And then I had children.
I had to slow down.
I had to learn to lead by example.
I had to learn to become more patient.
I had to learn to stop sweating the small stuff.
I had to learn to stop being intimidated or afraid.
I had to learn to accept failure from time to time.

As a mother I was still incredibly creative.
As a mother I was still incredibly passionate.
As a mother I was still incredibly appreciative
Of the beauty of life and all around me.
Perhaps even more so.
As a mother I saw things differently.
As a mother I started to see things from the eyes of a child.
As a mother I started to see things in a new light.

Even now I am still eternally optimistic.
(Some may call me a dreamer.
Some may say I have my head in the clouds.)
Even now I can still see the silver lining.
Even now I still see my glass as half full.

Motherhood has given me more confidence.
Motherhood has made me more determined.
Motherhood has made me stronger. Fiercer.
Motherhood has given me the courage to stand up for myself.
Motherhood has given me the strength to roll with the punches.
I have always had a powerful voice.
Motherhood has taught me how to use it.

I used to let life happen.
I have learned that in order to be really happy I must make life happen.

A year ago I started to realize that I was not really happy.
I started to realize that I was going through the motions of living but I wasn't really living. I was becoming a spectator and I wanted to be a player. I had all the wonderful "things" a person could want. But we all know that material possessions cannot buy happiness. I felt terribly for feeling and thinking the way I did. But these feelings started to grow and overwhelm. I could ignore them no longer. I was forced to take a good long look at everything around me and realized, although I had known (but not realized) for a long time, that my marriage was not working. We were failing. We were falling apart. A small crack had started in the foundation years earlier. Suddenly the entire home was crumbling. I felt sad and trapped and lonely.

I struggled for many months to figure out what to do. I couldn't possibly break up my family. I had three young children. This would devastate my husband. So I plugged along. But the more I knew that the marriage was broken the sadder and sadder I became. I could ignore the feelings I was having and just keep my unhappiness to myself and go through the motions for the rest of my life so that my family could stay together.

But deep down I knew this was not the right thing to do. I would be up nights crying. Many many nights. For months and months. The more I cried the more I knew I just couldn't go on. I sought help. I sought counseling. In some cases marriages can be fixed. In some cases they can't. They ought not to be. This is one of those cases.

I do not want my kids in a broken family, but more importantly I do not want them in a bad marriage. To stay together for the sake of the children is just wrong. I have been told this by numerous people and professionals. As much as I did not want to hurt my husband I knew, eventually, what had to be said. What had to be done.

I thought of my grandmother, La Jolie Grandmere, as I so often do when I need advice. She lived life. She lived it well. She lived it on her terms. Even from her wheelchair. She never would have settled. She never would have continued living in a manner that would have made her unhappy. She never would have settled. I really hate that word. I just can't think of another right now.

It's been almost a year now. It's no easier now than it was a year ago.
It takes two people to make a marriage. It takes two to cause it to fail. (For you all wondering, there was never an issue with betrayal or infidelity.) Our marriage simply stopped working. The love had been fading for years. My heart is still breaking over the pain this has caused. But in the end I know that my children will be happier and healthier. And in the end I think my husband will be too. He truly deserves someone who can love him madly, deeply. As do I.

I remember clearly in one therapy session. He said he had tried to give me everything. He wanted to give me the moon and the stars. I know he did. I know. I think about this daily. This still brings tears to my eyes.

I explained it well to the children, I think. You can have two people who are wonderful on their own. But together they are like water and oil. They do not mix. They do not compliment one another. We both love our children very, very much. Our children know this. We are sure to tell them as often as we can.

This was not an easy decision. This is certainly not the easiest path to take. There is pain daily. The tears are still there, almost daily.

I am not writing this to vent or air any dirty laundry. I am not writing this to hurt anyone. I do not want to be nasty. I am trying my best to handle my situation with grace and dignity. I am writing this for others to read partly to explain the reason behind some of my posts, and partly to give others some insight. And partly to inspire others by telling my story. The more I talk the more I know you are out there like me.

I do not advocate divorce. It is long and tough and grueling. But sometimes it truly is the answer. It is not something to be afraid nor is it something to be ashamed of. We all deserve the best and we all deserve happiness. My children do. My husband does. I do.