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5 Rules for hitting the road to Newport so Mommie Dearest can go to the Jack Rogers Trunk Show at Angela Moore!

Ok, so that's not the main, reason I'm headed back to Newport, but it is one of the reasons I am headed back! This time I'm going with the kids. Wish me luck in the car. Wish me lots of luck. My kids are not good travelers. My friend JoAnna recently drove her 4 kids  ages 5 and under from Virginia to Massachusetts. Not only did she survive. But the kids were... gasp... well behaved!

Put my three in a car together for 5 minutes and let the battles begin! I separate my kids by rows. Seriously. My oldest is old enough to be up front. The boys battle for the 2nd and 3rd rows. I pack an arsenal of activities and food. We have videos to watch and play. (Only allowed on the highway portion of our journey.) We have beverages and snacks galore in case we break down in the tundra that exists between my home and Newport, 2 and a half hours away! We have blankets and stuffed animals to keep us warm. (It's 64 and rainy today) Most importantly I have Duct Tape. In Zebra pattern. I also keep a pair off garden shears in the car for those moments I see and must cut down beautiful flowers... The garden sheers can be used for the Duct Tape. The Duct Tape will promptly be applied to the mouths of those children who
a) don't stop talking
b) don't stop whining
c) don't stop asking "are we there yet?" or
d) any of the above

Rule #1 I drive and therefore I am in charge of all music. And when the good Country stations come in clear this is what I will listen to. I don't care if this makes you puke. If you are going to puke kindly do so in a garbage bag.

Rule #2 I am in charge of all snacks. This way there is no she had more or he had more.

Rule #3 Keep your hands to your selves. Hit hitting pinching pulling hair spit balls. No shouting shrieking wining crying screaming. Yes, I really have children and not wolves... though sometimes I am unsure of this myself.

Rule #4 Dispose of all garbage properly. My car is not a garbage can. Neither is it a closet for all your items your sorry asses are too lazy to drag in. If you suddenly realized that your animal or blankie has been left in the car and youabsolutelypostively cannot go to sleep without it you will go retrieve it yourself. In the dark. Alone. Yes there are coyotes and raccoons out there. Yes there are skunks. Plenty of skunks. Snakes too. I am sick of risking my lives for you lazy little children who could not be bothered to retrieve your items when you were asked. You'll have to be brave and go out into the wild alone or do without.

Rule #5. You will not go all animal-like on me the minute you get there. Treat your grandparent's house like a museum. Not like a zoo my precious little animals.

Should you follow all these rules you will be handsomely rewarded.
One more thing...

There is something I want to do. You will have to come with me. Exemplary behaviour is EXPECTED of you while in public. If you do one thing to embarrass me ... and I mean ONE THING I will ship you back to the place you all came from with all three receipts and demand a full refund. Oh I know you are all thinking "Ha Ha. Very funny Mom. Hospitals don't give receipts." And to you I will reply you are wrong. I have the bills from each and every one of you. I will be a very rich lady when I cash in my bills!"

And with the money I will make in return of each of  you precious gems I will head here!

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