So I am a paranoid grocery shopper. I'm afraid that I'll get caught putting something I shouldn't into my cart. Like the Lay's BBQ potato chips. Or the Edy's Samoas Girl Scout ice cream. Or the Dunkin Hines Cupcake mix. That sit in the cart next to the frosting --vanilla and chocolate. That sit next to the Entenmann's Donut Holes. I'm afraid that Dr. Phil or Oprah will jump out from aisle 7 and grab my cart roughly and in so doing will knock off the three 12-packs of Coke Zero from the bottom shelf. "Do you really need this?" And then, gasp, Dr. Mehmet Oz, behind her, approaches me quickly out of nowhere and begins telling me that these items have just aged me an extra 25 years. And if that couldn't get any worse, Dr. Phil comes flying out of left field and puts his hand on my shoulder and says (in his preachy, southern drawl) "Now, Jessica, Jessica, Jessica... Do you REALLY NEED THOSE potato chips? I think not! Do you REALLY NEED that heart-clogging, artery-clogging ice cream? I think not! Now Jessica, Jessica, Jessica... think about all those size 4 jeans sitting in your closet that no matter how many pairs of Spanx you try to squeeze your former slim self into at one time will not help you squeeze into those jeans. It's time to get real, Jessica!" I will try to explain to Oprah and Mehmet and Phil that the ice cream is for Becca and the chips are for Christopher... I had promised him he could have some with his sandwich this weekend; chips are not a staple in our house. And then Oprah will begin to tell me that I am killing my children. And all at once their eyes roam the cart from packaged cake mix to canned frosting to donut holes, I can see them all closing in on me... I tell them I am making spaghetti and meatball cupcakes from Hello Cupcake for Christopher's class party... but it's of no use... I feel guilty for not having an extra quart of strawberries. And no blueberries at all. I feel guilty that my milk is hormone-free but not organic this time. I feel guilty that I have no fish in my cart and instead have a couple of pounds of ground (albeit very lean beef)... And then I come out of my reverie and thank God I live in Connecticut and such an experience will never, ever happen to me!
Actually, I really am a pretty good shopper. Yes I do have treats for the kids from time to time. But my cart is always filled with fresh veggies and fruits and lean meats, and whole grains and low-fat dairy... and an occasional pack of m&ms for which I will make no apologies.
I hadn't been such a paranoid shopper until my friend JoAnna asked (on a parenting message board) if there were any other grocery cart snoopers out there? Of course I look into other people's carts! Of course I do! But it never in a million years dawned on me that people would peer into my cart and judge me! Ohmigod, how completely naive am I?!
Yes I look into shopping carts. Yes I judge people by their groceries. Should the 350 pound lady in front of me really be buying all that bacon and sausage and chips and cookies? Should the young mother in front of me really feed sugared cereal to her 1 year old sitting in the cart ever so patiently? (Now, how would I know that there are 15 year old twins in her home as well?) And to the man waiting on line for the register to my left... I had no idea they still made cheese wiz, let alone anyone still purchased the stuff? And the young man behind him... You know those Twinkies can last in that packaging for 100 years and you are still going to eat that stuff?
So maybe I am too quick to judge these people much like Phil and Oprah and Mehmet were too quick to judge me. And I will make no apologies for my cupcake ingredients. Nor the ice cream (and if you have never had any of the Edy's/Dreyer's Girl Scout ice creams, well then, your taste buds haven't lived!
So today I was in the grocery store. Again. Third time in as many days. I thought that if I did not spend $300 in one visit, and broke it down into several small trips I may trim the bill a little. Why I thought that? I have no idea! I'm at $125 and the week is still young. Very young. So today I bumped in to my friend Andrea and as she said Hi I gave my cart the once-over... was it lean enough? Tidy enough? Organized enough? Green enough? There was not much in it at that point. The Coke Zeros screamed from below in their tell-tale red and black packaging. Andrea drinks only Perrier and Fiji waters. I wondered if she thought I had a slight Coke Zero issue. I don't. I can stop any time. After I have my last glass of wine. And what she thought of my yellow lemon-scented Lysol multi-surface cleaner. I had contemplated the greener versions. And have bought them many times in the past. But what got me today were the words "kills 99.9% of all viruses" (or something to that effect) and to me being healthy and germ-free weighed a little more importantly. I also had a bottle of Windex. There just is no substitute. I don't care what you say! And 3 white potatoes, a red pepper, a bunch of scallions, some chives, 2 English cucumbers, a package of Nature's Harvest onion ciabatta rolls, a bag of potting soil, a small bottle of Miracle Gro plant food, a packet of lavender seeds, cilantro seeds, basil seeds and green onion seeds all for my next project... so stay tuned!