In the wee small hours of the morning...

When the whole wide world is fast asleep...

I've had insomnia issues my entire life. I didn't realize my insomnia was such until I was in college. I hated not being able to fall asleep for hours at a time and waking up so dreadfully tired in the morning. I hated being the only one in the world awake. It's what it felt like. Everything is so exaggerated in the dark. Intensified. I would lie in bed worrying about not being able to fall asleep which would make it all that much worse. Especially as a child.

Unfortunately poor Christopher suffers too. He often doesn't fall asleep until 11:00pm. I feel terribly for him. My kids have to be in bed by 8:30 on a school night and 9:00 on the weekends. I don't make them turn their lights out. They are allowed to read. I usually hear Rebecca's lamp turn off within 15 minutes of my tucking her in. Not the case with Christopher. Luckily he loves to read. So there are things to occupy his mind rather than the worry of not being able to fall asleep. I can't do that to him. I know how awful it is.

These days I am so tired at the end of the day I rarely have trouble falling asleep. Yet I still suffer terribly from insomnia. This insomnia wakes me in the morning long before the sun even thinks about rising. This insomnia wakes me at 4, sometimes even 3 am. Instead of fighting it I have come to embrace it. Of course I could use the extra sleep. Of course I would love to be able to sleep in until well after the sun has been up to have her coffee and breakfast. But this just is not the case for me and I suspect it will not be for many, many, many years to come.

So when I get up, whether it be 3, 4, 5 or 6 in the morning, I go down and I get myself a nice hot cup of coffee (milk and sugar) and make my way back up to bed. The house is dark and quiet. It is peaceful. Relaxing. Tranquil. I know the rest of the very long hours of the day will be anything but. I love my bed. It's the most comfortable place in the house! I sink in among the down pillows and duvets and I can rest and I can think. I can write or read or blog. I can watch anything I choose to... no animation... no irritating voice. I can do whatever it is I want. It's a wonderful thing. Outside it's still dark. And while I do miss the bright sun and the birds of summer calling to one another so beautifully, the cool, dark mornings allow me to stay in bed longer. They serve as an affirmation of my need to sit for a while. Permission is granted for me to do nothing. There is nothing so peaceful and welcoming as a house filled with sleeping children and a husband who has fallen asleep on the couch downstairs.

I am grateful that today is Sunday. I do not have children to wake in a few minutes. I will not have to start the madness just yet. There is a great deal to be said about doing nothing. All of it good.